(no subject)

[smileswhf]

It's been a hard couple of days at the ligoland theme and amusement park. I've been the only one running the show for the last 2 days. It's been not pretty. In case anyone is in doubt about it, I can once again confirm that the windows OS does in fact blow and suck at the same time.

Other than that, I think I'm finally starting to feel better. The whole liver thing, cold thing, brother being sick thing had consipired against that for a while. I keep going to see my witch doctor and he keeps tweaking my neural transmitters (among other things). Having your neural transmitters tweaked is like getting the world's greatest happy pill. Unfortunately, it only lasts for about a half a day. You wake up the next morning to find that your life is just as crappy as it was before only now it pisses you off more. *I just love when that happens*

The last couple of mornings have been hard to get out of bed. I huddle in the clean, white sheets and down comforter in the bluish light of dawn. Outside, the birds sing riotously through the open window. If I'm very energetic, I reach down to the foot of the bed and grab a cat to pet. In my desperate search for the meaning of life (which just so isn't 42), I frequently fall back on the idea that if there is no meaning and this is it, luxuriating in these moments of sensory perception is the only thing that makes the continuation of life possible. And perhaps these little moments of beauty are the meaning of life. There is certainly an overwhelming amount of hallmark evidence to support that theory.

Comments

[pierrotlefou.livejournal.com]

And perhaps these little moments of beauty are the meaning of life.

That's pretty close to how I look at things.

Please note, there may something wrong with me since I can get emotionally caught up in a Beach Boys song in the middle of a Supermarket (http://www.livejournal.com/talkread.bml?journal=pierrotlefou&itemid=87267). But I like to think I've been incredibly lucky to have recognized and enjoyed some truly beautiful moments. It may not even be the meaning of life, but it's pretty much the meaning I've given mine.

[smileswhf.livejournal.com]

Wow, I've felt that way about "god only knows" as well. Toni Tenille of Captain and Tenille used to date one of the beach boys and did a cover of it that I listened to a thousand times when I was in junior high. And what is so phenomenally coincidental (or cosmic universal plan) was that I was in the grocery store at lunch time an had one of those moments when the B52's 'Roam" came on. It's one of those songs that reminds me of sunshine, infinite possibility, everything I've ever loved about so. cal, road trips and running. But why is that enough for you? And how do I get to the place where it's enough for me?

[pierrotlefou.livejournal.com]

But why is that enough for you? And how do I get to the place where it's enough for me?

That's a fantastic question. Now, watch me duck it. :-)

In all seriousness, I'm not entirely sure it really is enough, since if it were I'd probably feel less... like I do. For me it's more often than not what I cling to, rather than something which makes it all make sense. Is that a clear enough distinction? My meaning is all basically a justification to keep playing rather than the reason for the game in the first place. And I'm not so sure that's enough.

I am such a ray of sunshine.

[Pardon any errors. It's after 4am, and I'm really tired]

[smileswhf.livejournal.com]

"My meaning is all basically a justification to keep playing rather than the reason for the game in the first place."

This is pretty much where I find myself now. And how nice of you to put it so succinctly. While I was trying so hard to pull myself out of crushing depression after Hans died, I had this idea that if beauty is all that there is, then I would be someone who would stop and smell the roses. Literally. There are rose gardens all around Caltech. I would go down the line and smell each and every rose as I passed. I'd do the same with clouds and sunsets. There is a beautiful view of the sunset from the top of one of the parking structures, made more so by the incongruity of being in a place of abject ugliness (parking structure) and phenomenal beauty at the same time.

[pierrotlefou.livejournal.com]

I probably should stop and smell the roses. I notice a fair amount of beauty, yes, but I'm pretty sure I march right by, through, and under some of the wonderful things without paying them any heed.

That, and I often sequester myself in my apartment. There's little beauty to be found there.

I love really red sunsets. And sunrises from the beach were... phenomenal events back when I was in high school. I miss that.