another good-bye

[smileswhf]

My mother has severe dementia. This all came to light last July (2012). But it's not like my mother's mental health has ever been that great. For as long as I can remember my mother had kleptomania. After DG was born my mother sent a box of "gifts" that were clearly stolen from the poor box at her church. It included a truly disturbing doll, a couple of leather jackets that smelled of cigarettes and needed to be sent back to the 80's and some plastic magazine holders. It turns out J also had a box of crazy in his life.

When J was a boy, he took viola lessons. Toward the end of his lesson, another boy and parent (or grandparent) would be waiting for his violin lessons. That boy's mother is Anita. Anita is now in her 80's and still runs into J's parents on occassion. For our wedding Anita sent 2 beautiful pieces of crystal. Turns out her parents liked J and told her to send a wedding gift on their behalf when J got married. Hence the 2 gifts. Once DG was born, the baby clothes started to arrive. Large boxes of baby clothes, new but with the return tags torn off. Enough clothes for 3 babies. A cute xmas dress purchased in 3 different colors. 30 little tiny sundress things. Weird crazy frilly strawberry shortcake things. Sometimes wildly inappropriate for the weather (this being Louisiana, not NY state). Sometimes duplicates of the same outfit because "I know my parents would have liked this outfit, too." I found these boxes to be distressing. I mean, there you are with no sleep and a crying infant, living life in 4 hour increments and box after box of stuff that needed to be sorted and dealt with would show up.

When we told J's parents about it, they told us about Anita. She had 2 sons. One was disabled (we don't know more than that but the implication is he is or was in a home.) The other was the one who took violin lessons. He got married and then died tragically early of cancer. His wife later remarried and had a baby and Anita sent her boxes and boxes of things until she finally had to demand it stop. It's really so sad -- to be an old lady with no family left and spending your days at the mall across the street sending baby clothes to almost strangers.

As a family we decided that we would only ever say kind things and express gratitude. And that's what we've done. I write thank-you cards and we send books of baby pictures once or twice a year. I knitted her a hat. As for the mountain of baby clothes, I found that the local Catholic charities runs a home for pregnant women in distress and this became my destination for outfits that were unworn or worn only once or twice. I have given freely to others with children smaller than my own. We did everything we could to spread the generosity around.

As DG got older, the boxes became far less distressing: fewer boxes spaced further apart although still crazy. One fall we got cord pants in every color available from Sears. Every winter we would get a box of long sleeve shirts of every pattern available from gymboree. And a snow suit. When Anita would send educational games, she would send 9 boxes of every type available. Still, they were more useful than not and I wasn't over-taxed with "What in hell do I do with this?" Once the enormity of all of it tapered off, I found that I started to really enjoy these boxes. For the last year and a half, they have been a real source of serendipity.

A couple of days ago, J's dad called to tell me Anita is in the hospital. She has stage 4 colon cancer and has refused treatment. She's being moved to an end-of-life facility for cancer patients.

Good-bye Anita. I'm sorry I'm not there for you now. I will always remember your kind generosity. And I will never forget you.